Formality Is Worse Than Silence
by Grayson0017
Summary: Kara eventually tells Lena, and Lena closes off all personal relationships with her. Formal Lena. Based on a Narraboths tumblr post ( about how they wanted to see a "strictly formal Lena post reveal" Shout out to Lena-Luthor-Zor-el for reblogging it so I could be *inspired* (
1. Chapter 1

"_You're with me, right?"_

_Always. _

She lied through her teeth that night. After she left the game night Lena wandered to her office, not wanting to go home. She wanted to stay in her ignorance, but the pain of reality had gotten its hooks in her pretty deep. She waded through memory after memory of Kara and slowly realized that it had been so obvious. She felt sick.

It wasn't just Kara, it was their entire family unit. The people she had grown to trust, to love. She formed her home around these people without knowing there was no foundation. Part of her wished that she had just moved back to metropolis after everything that happened with Reign. And the other part wished she never allowed herself to fall in love with Kara Danvers. It was a cruel love, one that could never be returned, a hopeless love.

With every sip of her drink, the cynicism sprouted like weeds and flourished in the cracks of her heart. Where the weeds didn't grow, her love froze, it grew heavier as time went on until Lena was sure that the weight would be too much for her to carry. Her knees wanted to buckle but her anger had found its strength in her bones and in her blood. The only thing that kept her moving was the cruelty of her own failure.

Her eyes began to glaze over as she stared out into the nightlife of National City, as she wondered if any of it was real.

It had been weeks since game night and Kara started to question why Lena had kept her distance. She started to make excuses to miss lunch dates, game nights, and really any interaction with Kara. She couldn't cope.

She spent her days in grief, she wanted to process the lies, wanted to be okay with it but when she thought of Kara all she saw was red.

She reached for her glass only to find it empty and found the same when she reached for the bottle. Her eyes fluttered with the familiar feeling of frustration. When she went to throw the bottle out, the frame at the bottom of an otherwise empty trashcan glared back at her. The fractured glass spread across the picture that used to fill her with hope. Now, all that picture brought was fresh waves of the betrayal.

"How symbolic," she whispered as she glanced over the shattered frame.

"What's symbolic?"

Her blood simmered, the muscles in her body tried to hide the anger that had called her body home. She tried to regain some semblance of control before she turned to face who she thought was Supergirl, as it was normally her who checked up on Lena during late nights at the office. Not Kara Danvers.

"Oh nothing," Lena responded but she couldn't keep the ice out of her voice. Her composure started to falter. Kara seemed to catch onto the icy response because she drew in closer to Lena.

"Are you alright? I know you've been through a lot lately, so I just came by to see if you needed anything. And I understand if you need space cause you're trying to grieve, but you've been really distant lately."

Kara placed her hand on Lena's shoulder, "I want you to know that I'm here for you. You aren't alone, remember?"

Her heart sank when she remembered that night on her office couch where Kara had promised her that she was there for her. _Always._ That word was the backbone of their relationship. That night Lena had accepted that maybe she could love and be loved.

_Earlier_

"Alex, I should have told her that night." Kara sat with her hand on her face as she tried to explain to Alex why she needed to tell Lena and she had to do it tonight.

"Kara, she's still rattled from her brother's death. I'm telling you that maybe, you should wait a little longer." she tried to reason with Kara, but she was determined that she had to do it.

"I have to tell her now, even if its already too late. Even if she hates me."

"I remember," Lena answered softly, but there was pain in her voice.

Kara knew that voice, the hitch at the end of her sentence, glazed over eyes, and the ice on her tongue that made the tension that strained the room.

They moved to the couch and the silence between them for a moment felt comfortable. Normal, but Kara sensed the way the room shifted when she came in. She saw how Lena was transfixed on the bottle in her hand, how shattered her office felt.

"Lena, I need to tel-"

"Kara, I think you sho-"

Lena's eyebrow twitched up at the other woman's words. She gestured for her to go first. Kara nodded in response and tried to ignore the sudden uptake in Lena's heartbeat.

"There were so many times before this, where I wanted to tell you. Where I should have told you." she felt her voice break her confidence leave her. She couldn't walk it back, Lena deserved to know.

"You have done to make me think you aren't trustworthy. Lena, I trust you with my life." _With my heart. _Kara thought.

"You've proven the world wrong a thousand times over, and still I withheld the truth. I never meant for it to go on this long,"

Kara steadied herself with a breath and reminded herself of the promise she made.

_I have to tell her, even if she hates me._

"My name is Kara Zor-el."

Her eyes met Lena's, in a hope that she would see the remorse in her eyes. Remorse not because she didn't want to tell her, but because she had chosen to be selfish instead of giving Lena the truth. Because she failed to keep Lex alive long enough to face justice. Because she knew that whatever came after this for them was her own fault.

"I am Supergirl,"

"I am Supergirl,"

The weight of those words settled in the room and instead of pushing her over the ledge, Lena managed to seal that box off long enough to form a response.

"Mrs. Danvers, I think its time that you leave." she raised from the couch and gestured to the door. Kara tried to further their conversation, but she silenced it with her other hand.

"Please do not visit me without an appointment again or for personal reasons. You know the way out."


	2. Chapter 2

By the time Kara arrived back to her apartment, she was already sobbing. No amount of wind on her face could dry the tears. She was so scared of losing Lena that she never imagined what it would actually feel like when the moment came.

She knew that it would take time and she would be upset, but nothing could have prepared her for the cruelty in Lena's voice. The ice on her tongue. The anger in her eyes.

_Miss Danvers. _

Her feet thudded against the flooring of her apartment. The heartbreak swelled in her chest and she let herself collapse to her knees. Air-filled her lungs but it was too heavy.

Kara let out a choked sob, she let herself embrace this pain.

_Even if she hates me. _

Kara couldn't bring herself to go into work, she had barely been able to move from the spot on the floor where she landed. She texted James and had to stop herself from texting Lena. She locked her phone and the face that looked back up at her nearly caused another round of sobs but she quickly set her phone down.

She found herself being drawn to the bed, wanting all of this to be gone when she woke up.

An insistent and loud knock woke her up and upon further inspection, Kara realized it was Alex.

She opened the door and must've looked worse than she thought because Alex's features softened.

"Are you okay?" Alex pulled them over to the couch and the heaviness from the night before came back full force.

Kara couldn't bring herself to answer. She figured that question didn't need an answer. She placed her head on Alex's shoulder and silent tears streamed down her face.

"I told her." her voice comes out so broken and soft her sister barely registers what she said.

"Oh, Kara."

Alex spends the next few hours comforting and trying to distract Kara, but none of it seemed to matter. She sat on the couch occasionally breaking out in heartwrenching sobs and then returned to her thousand-yard stare burning a hole into the wall across the apartment.

"Go home, I'll let you know if-"

"Kara, I don't thin-"

"Alex. Please. I want to be alone." Kara's eyes are dark and her face is empty. Alex relents to this fight because she knows she won't win.

"I love you, don't forget that, okay?"

Lena just barely manages to get through the next day without snapping. She eventually tells Jess that she is going to work from home for a couple of days and leaves it at that.

She goes home even though she knows she won't be able to sleep because she is so focused on not falling apart.

The anger and heartbreak have breached the barrier to get to each other and its all Lena can do not to call Kara.

Instead, she lets whisky climb through her veins and numb her brain. When the edges of her glass blur she tops herself off.

The apartment is dark save for the light of the city that filters through her balcony window. Occasionally she'll hear the hum of the city, but she keeps replaying the sound of Kara's breath hitching when she sent her away the day before.

The ice of her voice still runs down her throat encapturing her lungs. Exhaustion rests behind her eyes, but she still won't let herself rest.

The days force themselves into weeks, they drag themselves into months. Nine months pass before they have another interaction.

It comes after an attack at L-Corp, someone threatens Lena and Supergirl save her at the last second. The air between them is dense with pain.

Kara's feet touch down and Lena immediately tries to get as far away from Kara as possible.

"Are we going to be like this forever?" Kara forces out.

Lena turns to face the woman she once called home, "Thank you for saving my life, Supergirl. I am no longer in need of protection." her voice breaks at her name. The heat behind her eyes threatens to spill over as she turns to leave.

"Lena, please,"

Lena's heart sinks when she hears Kara's broken tone. Her voice is empty and lost. She feels Kara's hand on her wrist, but she lets go instantly.

"I can't lose you too."

"Did you ever really have me? Anything we shared was tainted by your lie. Our relationship was built on a lie. " Lena lets the venom take over and it steels her jaw and breaking heart.

She leaves Kara in the ally they landed in, but she can hear the superhero crumble from the weight of her words.

Kara launches herself into the sky without intent to come back down. She flies until she can feel the chill of the upper atmosphere in her lungs.

Floating as close to the sun as she can get to see if the yellow sun can mend the pain in her soul. She aches to feel whole again.

_Even if she hates me._


	3. Confrontation

Kara floated aimlessly at the edge of the atmosphere leaving herself barely enough room to breathe. She's just pushing her limits, up there for hours, begging Rao to fill the hole in her chest with light. With anything.

The tears stopped pretty soon after, but every once in a while, an empty sob would wrack her body and she'd hiccup trying to get air into her lungs. She was spiraling and she knew it. The anxiety would build until it became unstable and guilt was the only thing left in the aftermath. It led to a nasty cycle.

_Did you ever really have me? Anything we ever shared was tainted by your lie._

Kara couldn't stop her mind from reliving those moments. In the silence of the atmosphere, the only noise she could hear was the echo of Lena's voice.

The horizon started to blur, and Kara knew she would have to go back down soon. She could feel herself losing consciousness, her body felt heavy and she was tempted to let it take her. She eased herself into a controlled descent, forcing the temptation of free-fall back into its box.

The damage was already done though. She knew that when she got home, she wouldn't be able to hold herself up anymore. All the strength of a yellow sun couldn't brace her for the weight of another loss.

Their vicious cycle of attacks, close calls, high tensions, and breakdowns continued for a couple more weeks before they snapped.

Both women were already close to erupting. Every time one of them would go to spark the confrontation it would sputter out as it caught in their throats and broke in their voices. The anger and pain simmering but still being kept at bay by circumstance.

When it happens, it's not a life or death situation but a four am phone call with Lena's tired voice on the line asking Kara to meet her on the roof of her apartment building.

Kara landed softly on the rooftop unsure of what was going to come next. She'd decided against the suit or her glasses. She owed Lena that much.

Silence ate at them as they stood across from each other. They knew this had to happen for them to move on, however, they needed to.

"I came to this city in hopes of a new start," her voice shook as she spoke, allowing herself to open this long-sealed box.

"I promised myself I would never trust anyone again. And then I met you,"

Whatever tension was left shattered as she recounted their friendship. Every moment tears built in her eyes.

She can't help at how her voice raised because she's been so angry for so long that it almost consumed her. So, she let it sit on the edge while she tore every moment in her life apart.

How on the heels of every betrayal was another and every corner turned was into another mess of emotion.

How she essentially begged Kara not to do the same to her. Not to leave her broken and betrayed as everyone in her life had.

How she had been made a fool all of the time she had been worried about her friend's life. How she would've without hesitation died for Kara.

"There was nothing I wouldn't have done for you. No line existed that I would not cross to keep you safe. Only to learn you didn't need my protection. You only needed to keep me in check."

Lena had taken steps forward to try to keep the momentum from her anger going. Her ears roared; she knew she was speaking but she couldn't hear herself. She was crying but couldn't stop herself.

Her muscles were sore from carrying this tension. No matter how many boxes she had, none of them were permanent solutions. Her grief would always find a way to slip out of the tiniest cracks. It would pour out until it buried her alive. She sobbed as she told Kara that she killed Lex for her and to repay her, he told her that Kara Danvers was Supergirl. Her blood ran cold at the revelation.

Her body was numb, but it continued to shake. Her voice cracked, but she continued on.

"We were supposed to be a Super and Luthor working together. Defying the past and saving the world!

You were supposed to be my best friend. You defended me at every turn as Kara just to turn around and use my last name against me!

All of your apologies as Supergirl meant nothing because they didn't come from Kara as well. You were assuring me I wasn't a villain while treating me like one in the very same breath!

Don't you understand what you've done?"

She gasped to try and ground herself, but the air seared her lungs and she could feel herself coming down.

"Lena, what do you want me to- "

"Nothing, there is nothing. You broke my heart, don't you understand? There is only so much bet-."

A Light consumed them both, cutting their confrontation short. When their eyes adjusted, they were standing in the D.E.O. along with what looked to be other heroes. They all stood in the conference room looking somberly at the pair that had just been teleported into the room.

The room was heavy with the weight of a hero's duty. A burden each of them knew well and carried with them wherever they went and whatever their fate. Hope was scarce, whatever was to come would relieve some weight and add to others.

"Kara Zor-El and Lena Luthor. It's time."

"The crisis is among us."


	4. Crisis: Hour One

The DEO brimmed with nervous energy. News of the imminent crisis put everyone on edge. Most agents attempted to keep the peace as the city began to react to the incoming wave of anti-matter.

After they were flashed into the DEO, they were briefed on events that would come to pass if they did not fight together. Lena and Kara barely retained their composure after being transported mid confrontation, but if anyone in the room had noticed they didn't react to it.

Kara tried to focus on the briefing, but her skin still buzzed from the emotional high of their fight.

_What kind of hero am I if I can't even save my friendship? _

She shut her eyes and drew in a breath to steady herself. She forced herself to be attentive to the words of Harbinger.

The heroes finished and gathered around the center console of the DEO. Oliver was trying to take the lead but was encountering some resistance from other heroes as per usual. Everyone was teetering the edge of panic. Even though most of them had encountered an end of the world scenario before it was never an end of the universe situation, much less an end of the multiverse one.

"If this wave isn't stopped by tomorrow night, there will be no more us. No more- anything." Brainy yelled over the roar of arguments.

"Are there any inhabited planets in its way?" Alex responded quickly as she pushed her way to the console.

"Just one," he transferred the tracking image over to the mainboard and Kara's heart stopped.

"No." Her mind raced as she tried to figure out some way to help them, to contact them.

"We have to warn them Brainy."

"The Haurun-el in their system makes it difficult to get any communication through, but I will try." He tried to remain calm as he began to bypass the interference. His hands shaking over the keyboard.

"You are all in danger,"

Kara stepped to the side and recorded her message. Lena couldn't bring herself to watch as she pleaded for them to try to escape. She forced down a pang of guilt that rose at the mention of the substance that helped the Kryptonian's survive but now would also be the cause of their destruction.

She felt lost standing among them.

_Who am I next to these heroes of other Earths? _

Lena was silent as she watched the others argue about who should go where and do what. She knew that every once and a while Supergirl was called off-world for an emergency, but she didn't know it was to an entirely different universe. Part of her wondered about her counterpart on all the other Earths, wondered if maybe Supergirl had shared the truth with her sooner on one of them. If they were happy there. She boxed the thoughts as they happened, there was no time for what-ifs.

Kara struggled to steel herself in the wake of her home dying, but her breath wouldn't slow, and she could feel her hands begin to shake. Her chest heaved as she tried to blink the tears out of her eyes.

"Did it work?" she asked, barely audible.

"There was no way to tell if our message got through," Brainy responded his voice detached and shocked.

They all gathered around the screen as Argo was wiped from existence. Kara had only just gotten her mother back and now all it took was less than a second for her to be ripped away from her again.

Another version of Krypton, destroyed. Another lost home. More lives she couldn't save. Kara was gutted. All the air left her body as she collapsed to her knees. Hot tears crashed onto the floor. She could feel Alex kneeling next to her, whispering to her that, "there was no way we could've known or prepared for this."

But wait.

Her mind raced back to after the meeting when they were all filing out of the briefing room. Oliver and Barry.

_"I've been trying to prepare my team for after Crisis for months, but now that it's here. I don't know man; I don't want to leave Iris. Not again."_

_"Barry, I promise you that no matter what happens you _will _be here after this is over."_

**_For months. _**

"Months." Kara rose, her jaw clenched, and eyes shut. She dragged her hand down her face in a hasty attempt to dry her tears.

A fog of confusion settled onto the group of heroes.

"Kara? What are yo-" Kate tried to interject but Kara wouldn't let her.

"Barry and Oliver knew. For **months**, and not once did they mention to anyone else that this was going to happen." She started to slip; the stone cracked beneath her boots as she made her way to Oliver.

Kara forced her eyes shut to contain the buzz of heat that started to build. The harsh glow aching to be unleashed. She tensed her whole body and redirected the tension into her fists and they balled tightly at her sides.

"If you knew that this was going to happen, why didn't you tell me? You knew that my whole universe could be destroyed, and you didn't say a damn thing. Why?" Her voice cracked on the last word. She couldn't help the rise in her voice.

She searched his eyes and when she found no explanation, she could barely keep it together.

Even the sudden flash behind them didn't break her harsh gaze.

"Kara."

She heard Kal's voice behind her but couldn't make herself turn around. She'd had hallucinations of dead family members before, she wouldn't let it affect her again.

Kal's hand found its way to her shoulder, but she jerked away.

"Kara, it's okay, we're okay," Lois spoke to her calmly, sensing the tension in the room.

The last kryptonian's embraced as Kara whispered a simple question to her cousin.

"My mom?"

Kal pulled away, a grimace on his face. "I'm so sorry, Kara."

While her cousin's arrival cooled her anger, the news of her mother's second death fueled it.

She turned back to Oliver intent on hurling him across the room but stopped.

Now was not the time to act on anger, or to mourn those lost. Now was the time to stop it from happening ever again.

She pulled a breath and released the tension she was holding.

"How do we stop it?"

The next hour was allotted to Harbinger explaining how protecting specific towers would be their only option if they wanted to save this Earth.

The DEO once again erupted with teams as they all began to start their missions.

Lena was still in shock from watching Argo's demise, and more so to Kara's reaction. She was still angry with her, but after watching her be so gutted and then moments later so furious, it was hard not to feel for her.

Some of the venom Lena had felt toward the hero had started to bleed away, and she didn't know how to process that. So, the instant Alex and she got their mission they were off, but Lena was stopped by Kate. At least that is what she remembered her being introduced as.

"Lena, right?"

Kate didn't let her respond.

"I don't know what is going on between you and Kara but seeing as how we could all be dead soon; you might want to reevaluate. That's all." And with that, she turned and began to walk in Kara's direction.

Lena felt heavy. She knew that the world might end, and her Kara may never be able to reconcile. But she would rather have it not happen at all then for her to just do it in a half-baked attempt moments before death. She boxed up yet another set of emotions she refused to name and continued on her path to the lab, she had a portal to build.

Alex and Lena worked in relative silence, but the tension was still just as high. There was no separation from the anxiety of her impending death and that of being in the same room as a former friend. She was able to keep at least a little composure but the ice in her chest was still there. Every breath she took she could feel herself getting heavier.

She forced all emotion from her brain to go into work mode.

_Time to save the world, again. _

"Of all things to keep me out of the loop on, you choose this one?" Kara said, "I mean honestly Barry what did you think was going to happen when I found out?" there was no energy left for the rage to sap out of her. The red material of her cape scraped the ground with her shoulders low and her face in her hands.

The balcony was crisp, and the metal railing buzzed underneath her elbows.

"Kara, we never meant for it to get this far. Neither of us knew to what extent things would happen. I thought that when I disappeared, everything would be okay. That my sacrifice would allow the world to go on." Barry pushed away from the railing and huffed.

She wanted to argue to push back, but she couldn't. Not when one of her friends was certain of his own death. She didn't want to add another to the list of those she would mourn when this was over.

"We aren't going to let you die."

"I have to. It's the only way."

"That's not true, we've been through this before."

"It's different this time. If anyone is to live, I have to."

"Barry- "

"It is the only way to ensure that everyone I love lives, Kara!" his voice raised, "The monitor said himself that the only way we get through this Crisis is with sacrifice. We were supposed to die last year. But we didn't, thanks to Oliver. I'm not letting him, or you take my place."

He zoomed off, leaving her cape to softly billow in the gust.

She took in her city and replayed her last peaceful day on Krypton. How she had laughed and played before she was forced to watch her planet die. Their skies even matched now as the anti-matter grew closer and closer.

In all the battles she had lost, in every time she had come face to face with death, she had been able to push through and kick fear's ass. But staring into the red skies of her new home and seeing the death of her first she couldn't seem to get traction.

_I will not run from another dying planet._

The dark beings came down in waves on the rooftop of the tower. The ground was broken and dusty and there was no longer any separation from the red sky and the regular one.

Lighting crackled in the air above the heroes as they fought against the creatures. Buildings around them began to crumble and debris lined the blocks of the nearly vacant city.

The endurance of the heroes began to waver, though they would all fight until they could no longer. The material of each of their suits was torn and bloodied, with the creature's shadowy claws gunning to make them weaker.

Kara's cape was shredded, and her lip swollen, but she paid no mind to it. Everyone was in bad shape. After nearly blowing out her powers she knew she would lose her invulnerability for a while. But not once was she hesitant.

_I will not run from another dying planet._

Even as her friends were being portal-ed out of the battlefield. Even as the monitor tried to tell her and Oliver the fight was over.

Even when she forced Oliver into the portal meant for her.

_I will not run from another dying planet_

Even when her heat vision found the monitor's chest to stop him from taking her away, knowing it would make her more vulnerable.

Even as her Earth began to disappear around her and the tower crumbled on top of her.

_I will not run from another dying planet._

The steel structure gave way to the anti-matter and she could feel herself fading. She was pinned underneath an entire skyscraper's rubble and she was numb.

_I will not run from another dying planet._

Lena watched as the last of their evac shuttles came through the portal. On the screen of the legionaries ship though, was the fight at the tower.

One by one the heroes started to vanish from the screen and appear on the ship. Each one being carted off for medical treatment. When Superman came and then Oliver portal-ed though as if he'd been thrown, she knew immediately something was wrong.

_Where was Kara? _

She looked back toward the screen as the tower collapsed into itself and the air was ripped from her.

_Kara._


End file.
